Thursday, 3 January 2013

A New Year and Things I Wish I'd Known

A New Year and Things I Wish I'd Known

I think the one thing I have always wanted to do when it comes to the internet, is be as honest as possible and open about myself that I can. I think it stems from a weird fear of being misunderstood and making the wrong impression, but either way, I feel like as long as I'm open, honest and logical about the way I try and do things, it can't turn out too bad.

And then of course, there is Facebook. It's so tempting to gloss your life over for everyone to see - untag the bad photos (yes I do this) and post all the wonderful news you get, whilst keeping quiet about the bad. On Facebook, online, my life looks pretty exciting. From the amount of inquiries I get about having someone come on work experience with me for a week, you'd think I had shoots almost every day and exciting edits to be doing.

In reality, I am sat here in a comfy green jumper and leggings, I haven't brushed my hair yet, I've ordered takeaway lunch (a baguette, because it used to be dominos pizza every day) and I won't be leaving the house today. Instead of having an exciting shoot, I'm planning workshops, responding to emails about internships (I don't think that people realise that if they came to do work experience with me for a week, it would be a week of responding to emails about doing work experience) and other inquiries - a lot of which will lead to nowhere, but you HAVE to do it. And I am very thankful that this is my job, because I have my own hours to do it, and it involves as much or as little effort as I want to put in. I'll be burning discs later, writing addresses on labels, if I'm lucky I'll get some time to browse some awesome photography work. Sometimes I'll get an email come in from a client from last year wanting more of their photos edited, and my otherwise free/busy day's schedule will be changed and put back a day. This is not a problem, but more a nice realistic insight.

I have learned a lot, looking back. Here are some things I wish someone had sat me down and told me though, when I was 15 or so.

1) Your life is totally down to you. There is nothing stopping you from doing what you want, except yourself - school isn't everything, but motivation and ambition is. That is, if you want to be motivated and ambitious - some are happy to be middle-of-the-line, and that's okay.
I wish someone had said to me, that you don't need to be academic, that you don't need to be able to memorise certain facts about a pre-determined set of subjects in order to be successful, and it isn't about following the herd to university and getting a degree, then a masters, then a PHD. It's about your mind and seeing the world in a way that is special to you, it is about being happy and being able to make happiness from very little. You should never have to feel like you cannot change yourself or your life - if you feel unhealthy, overweight, ugly - you can change that, and you should change that and you should keep changing until you feel brilliant. Don't just accept and settle. Embrace and change.

2) Some people are just pricks. It doesn't matter if they stay that way or blossom into the nicest people you will ever know - it doesn't matter if you are nice to them, everyone learns life's lessons at different times at different stages to everyone else. You might have everything sussed out at 18 years old, or you might suss it all out at 50, or never. The only time you know you have it right is when you are happy - so happy, to a point that you want everyone else to feel that way too, and you can help them by being good to them. Not seeing it as "they're wrong unless they think like me" - but just doing something nice for the sake of doing something nice.

3) Finances are very stressful. Again, if you can appreciate and get joy from cheap, smaller things, this won't affect you as much. If you can stay in a small dingy house and think that it makes the sunlight coming in through the window even more beautiful because it makes the damp on the walls look like oil paints, then you'll have fewer struggles with money. If that's not for you, I suggest you aim to be motivated and ambitious ;) If you can be appreciative of the little things too, even better.

Money weighs me down. I've lost sleepless nights dreading being low in my bank fund, felt awful for spending so much, worried about how I will afford a house, a car, insurance, my children's futures. The thing I want to avoid most of all is stress and worry, so by having comfortable finances, this eliminates a lot of that.
Having a lot of money doesn't stop you from feeling sad, and it won't stop you from falling out with your partner over falling asleep on the sofa. Money just gives you more options. Sometimes, it gives you really bad options. Just look at all the celebrities who have battled drug addictions and been dragged down by their own success.
If you aim to make a lot of money, aim to be successful with it and use it for good. Use it to take away your worries, to be able to feel safe and enjoy your life. Don't be too attached to it, after you're gone it ain't going with you. And don't stop appreciating the small things.

4) Always understand the other person. Put yourself in their position and understand why they do the things they did. Once you can understand people, your life will open up so much. When you let go of The Rules, and look at thing for their circumstances and for the intention with those circumstances, people seem a lot nicer, they seem a lot more human and a lot more worthy of being loved and liked.

My New Years Resolutions

Eat less junk (because I want to be the best person I can be)
Save more money (because I want to feel safe and secure in my financial future)
Earn more money/work harder (because I want to be safe and secure in my financial future)
Be nicer and more understanding (because I want to be the best person I can be)
Do not place too much importance on money (because I want to be the best person I can be)

I think my overall goal is to feel good in myself, to feel like I have done well and tried hard in all aspects of life - relationships, self esteem, business and encounters with people/strangers.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

A Box Of Darkness

I took my vulnerability, placed it in a box
Gift wrapped, with a black ribbon
I pulled it from my chest, unlaced it from my lungs
Deep beneath my molars, down underneath
My fingernails
Scraped it from the freckles which lay, sleepily
Scattered down my neck
Those that you had kissed that night
Those that I had let you kiss
I pulled on that dark thread somewhere inside my mind,
Unravelled myself, just a little
Just enough
To hold it all together
Just enough
To let myself unravel
I held it out with hopeful eyes, dropped soft into your hands
You looked at it, at parts of me
And now I can't finish this poem