It seems so long ago that I wrote this blog post about love, life and being alone. Probably because it was years ago. I've had so many ups and so many downs since then in that arena, and so many emails of support and love from you guys online when my 3 year relationship came to an end at Christmas.
It's been about 2 months now, and I've done lots of thinking in that time, as most people do. Where did I go wrong, again? Why does every relationship fail with me? I've picked myself apart, reduced my food>mouth ratio and thought about love as a whole, my attitude towards it and what I will do differently next time.
One thing though, as I write this, stands out above the rest.
"There will come a time, you'll see. With no more tears. Where love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."
Good old Mumford & Sons, what would I do without them? I think one of my big problems was (and probably still is) that I have a slight tendency to let love conquer all. Including logic and my better judgement. Love is a magic plaster that seals all wounds, no matter how deep. It's an excuse for bad behaviour that applies to every situation, no matter how painful and no matter how you both agreed that situation would not ever occur. Love is a glue which stops you from leaving even though you know you should.
Learning and realizing that my idea of love wasn't the best one for me really hurt. In a way, I wondered if the next love I had would really go as deep as I wanted it to, if it wasn't all-consuming, all-forgiving, all-purpose love. And then I heard those words. "Love will not break your heart."
That's what I'm aiming for. I want a love that loves. Being in love with someone shouldn't be a painful experience, and I will never let it be a painful one for me again. It can be challenging, with obstacles, but not obstacles which are the results of unkind actions.
I don't feel bitter, upset, angry or numb. I feel healed. I don't harbour any negative feelings about my situation. I feel happy that I have learned more about what I need from the next person I choose to love, and happy that I have given myself the chance to find them.
I guess I just wanted to write this down, for myself to read back at some point. I'm not sure.