Monday, 14 April 2014

A Cool Breeze in the Morning

I will never feel lonely again, because the wind will always run it's hands through my hair
I will never feel lost, because my feet have learned to wander
and my hands feel that everywhere is home
The cold wraps around me like a blanket now
and when the light blinds my eyes, I can see clearly again
The rain washed my skin back to soft, childlike
And the smoke cleared from my lungs as I welcomed the alcohol into my bloodstream
I like it this way
I will never feel lonely again

Monday, 7 April 2014

Learning To Be Free

What an eye-opening month it has been!

A month ago I felt very lost. In a 5* Hotel in an amazing country. 
I was sitting there, crying like I hadn't cried before. Like a teenager rejected by her crush. Like someone trapped. Like I had nothing to look forward to. I didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to.

I looked at my life and I didn't like it. But I had it all?

I have an amazing job. My Facebook posts get a ton of likes. I get to go to 5* hotels for FREE because an awesome celebrity took a liking to me and made me her friend. I had endless inquiries for work, endless people tugging at my sleeve, endless people telling me I was great. And I have never felt so empty, and never felt so ungrateful.

I'll tell you what, money ain't all that.
The high life ain't all that.

What I thought were my life-goals, dreams a few years ago have turned out to be very empty and shallow without the magic ingredient which is passion, which is happiness.

Since stopping taking on paid work, I have felt alive like never before. I fill my spare time with endless googling, endless searching for inspiration, endless planning and friends and life and enjoyment. It's raining so hard right now and I'm pretty sure that after I post this I'm gonna go for a run in it.

Instead of listening the song, I started to feel it.
I've let my imagination override my compulsion to work, 
I've let my desire to create override my desire to earn

And maaaan it feels good.

The thing that scares me in this life is making the wrong choice. I'm scared to have no money, scared to be alone, scared to be unhappy, scared to be a failure, scared to be a bad person. I've been so terrified of all these things, I haven't let myself enjoy life like I could. And that's okay, because I'll enjoy it so much deeper now. That rain is going to burn through my skin and fall straight into my eyes and I am going to really, really feel it.

I am a storm. I am a force. I don't care. I am going to get drunk, throw my head back and dance like I am an awesome dancer. I am going to love so fiercely and be so kind and sing so loudly to songs that I don't care if you don't like. I don't care, but I care about you. I care that you are happy, too. Like this. It's ace.