Am I Good Enough?

Okay, so I have an urge to write about this.

Here's some music to accompany.

Am I good enough?

It's the eternal question we all ask ourselves, photographer or not, have we met the expectations needed to run a business? To charge people money? To give advice? To consider a change? 

I remember when I first started offering workshops, someone wrote online

"What makes you think you are qualified to teach workshops?"

When I first read it, my heart sank and I thought, they have a point. I'm not qualified. I don't have a degree, I don't know much except what I know, and maybe my work isn't that good after all. Maybe I'm not good enough?

I went on and taught the workshop. Looking back, it maybe wasn't the best workshop ever - but I learned SO much. I learned that if people want to come, they will come. The workshop was full. I also learned to cap how many people I have on a workshop, haha. I learned that people don't care for what I don't know - they wanted to know how I made the images I made. And because I made them, I could explain.

At the end, I asked for advice on how to improve. And everyone was kind and constructive. And I learned.

If you ask yourself, am I good enough? Let me answer for you. You Are Good Enough. As long as you are still willing to learn.

Today, I got a rather sad message to my Facebook photography group. 

(name has been blurred for her privacy)

And I felt so sad. 

It seems everyone I meet is trying SO hard to be good enough, they are working for cheap (this lady worked for less than £1 per image she delivered to her clients) and yet this doubt is creeping over all of us. In my opinion, it is the client's responsibility to check out your work - check it out as deeply as they would like. Ask to see 10 images, or ask to see an entire wedding, or 10. I don't mind. But don't complain if you don't look at any of my wedding photography and then say you are upset because I didn't photoshop butterflies in your hair and have you levitating down the aisle.

We are good enough.

"Every great photographer was once an amateur."

Ok so fair, I wouldn't recommend charging £2k for a wedding when you haven't shot one before. I wouldn't recommend promising photos in the style of Jonas Peterson when you are more traditionally minded and own a point and shoot, because that won't turn out well. But don't you dare stop aspiring to be as good as Jonas. 

So, I'm going to ask that everyone today who wonders if they are good enough, stop for a sec. 

You are great.

And there is nothing stopping you from being the best, except telling yourself that you aren't or can't be.

Here's where I started.

These are two sample of the awesome skill I had when I first started taking pictures. I can sense your awe and amazement across the computer waves, please stop, you're making me blush.

But really. 

If I had let every negative comment, or doubt, or insult, or hate campaign stop me (and there are days where I gave up, and days where I believed they were right, and days where I truly and utterly believed there was no place for me) then I wouldn't have made it to where I am now.

And I KNOW that I am only going to get better, I am only going to be exploring and learning and always improving. And I will probably look back, and think you know what, I was pretty rubbish, but I was good enough.

Your Life Is How You See It

So. The other day, I was sat in my flat watching the sunset from the colours hitting the windows of the flats opposite me - unfortunately, I don't get a sunset view, so I have to use my imagination a little ;)

The skies were lovely and blue, if you didn't notice the cold it could have been summer. It's been a while since things felt special like that, even though I always used to tell myself to make an effort to make it feel special anyway. 

I got up, got in my car, wound down the windows and put the heat on full steam to trick myself into thinking it was baking hot outside, so hot I had to have my air con on full blast! ;) I slid a nice song on, this was my choice for the day:

In my mind, and in my memories, I will remember that day as the day I had a winter's summer day. It reminded me of a lesson I've learned throughout this sometimes-fun sometimes-not little adventure called life.

Your life is the way you see it. 

When I'm older, I will not live in a mansion in New York, I will not have a series of flashy cars. I know exactly how my future will be - purely because I truly believe that our lives tend to swing towards what we imagine for ourselves. If we let ourselves feel like we are failures, we will end up as them. 

When I picture my life in the future, I see myself living in the countryside with open fields, having kids running round with the sunlight in my face, not in a reflection of my neighbours window. I will have this as my future. This is what I am working towards, this is for me. Not having this is not an option. And I will work so hard for it.

What do you see your future as? Where can you see yourself living? Who do you want to be? Are you happy?

Failure is only an option if you make it one. You make your life - if you want to achieve the things that inspire you to get up in the morning, then make a plan and go and do them!!! I want to take photos which get recognised - I want to photograph famous people, I want people to find something unique in my imagery and I want people to say that those photographs inspire them. I don't have too much of a care for being famous myself, but I hope that in being a successful photographer I can achieve my house in a field of sunshine. I hope I can help change some lives, inspire some paths and make people re-consider where they want their life to go.

I will do all the things I want to do - purely because I will. My life will be the way I see it. 

Similarly, money is great to have and takes away stress, but money is not the only thing I would like to have in my life. You can have plenty of money and life can still be dull, full of muted colours and crappy music. Roll down those windows and let that sunlight in. Got no car? Legs still work.

Sometimes in my life when I feel sad, it is because I have not let myself enjoy the world for whatever reason. We all get so caught up in what is happening currently - even though we're all fully aware that life is short, circumstances are temporary and we can all get through it. Nonetheless, we are all so busy stressing and thinking, sorting and planning, doing and running, that we forget to look down at our fingers on the keyboard and realise how pretty the light looks on them today. We forget to notice how young our hands are, and it's only when we see the wrinkles and the veins that we wish we'd appreciated it.

Your life is how you see it. I am not going to look back and wish I had appreciated everything that is going on around me - my youth, the feeling of the world, the fashions, the weather, my parent's laughter and the feeling of hope for what lies ahead.

Someday this will all be over. Everyone always talks about making every day count, living in the moment and all the quotes we hear over and over again, agree with - but somehow the days pass and it's tomorrow that will be better.

When I am old, I will be lying in my bed at home preparing to take my last breaths. I will be thinking about all the bizarre things that I swore I'd never think about, wondering which bizarre thought would be my last. I just lost The Game, dammit! But I will feel like I have finished my life with the peace that I have appreciated so much, forgotten so much, lived so little and yet have lived so much. Life is what you see. Your life can be whatever you like, a winter's summer day or a life where you only see the sunset reflected on your neighbour's window. I know which one I'm going to have.

A New Year and Things I Wish I'd Known

A New Year and Things I Wish I'd Known

I think the one thing I have always wanted to do when it comes to the internet, is be as honest as possible and open about myself that I can. I think it stems from a weird fear of being misunderstood and making the wrong impression, but either way, I feel like as long as I'm open, honest and logical about the way I try and do things, it can't turn out too bad.

And then of course, there is Facebook. It's so tempting to gloss your life over for everyone to see - untag the bad photos (yes I do this) and post all the wonderful news you get, whilst keeping quiet about the bad. On Facebook, online, my life looks pretty exciting. From the amount of inquiries I get about having someone come on work experience with me for a week, you'd think I had shoots almost every day and exciting edits to be doing.

In reality, I am sat here in a comfy green jumper and leggings, I haven't brushed my hair yet, I've ordered takeaway lunch (a baguette, because it used to be dominos pizza every day) and I won't be leaving the house today. Instead of having an exciting shoot, I'm planning workshops, responding to emails about internships (I don't think that people realise that if they came to do work experience with me for a week, it would be a week of responding to emails about doing work experience) and other inquiries - a lot of which will lead to nowhere, but you HAVE to do it. And I am very thankful that this is my job, because I have my own hours to do it, and it involves as much or as little effort as I want to put in. I'll be burning discs later, writing addresses on labels, if I'm lucky I'll get some time to browse some awesome photography work. Sometimes I'll get an email come in from a client from last year wanting more of their photos edited, and my otherwise free/busy day's schedule will be changed and put back a day. This is not a problem, but more a nice realistic insight.

I have learned a lot, looking back. Here are some things I wish someone had sat me down and told me though, when I was 15 or so.

1) Your life is totally down to you. There is nothing stopping you from doing what you want, except yourself - school isn't everything, but motivation and ambition is. That is, if you want to be motivated and ambitious - some are happy to be middle-of-the-line, and that's okay.
I wish someone had said to me, that you don't need to be academic, that you don't need to be able to memorise certain facts about a pre-determined set of subjects in order to be successful, and it isn't about following the herd to university and getting a degree, then a masters, then a PHD. It's about your mind and seeing the world in a way that is special to you, it is about being happy and being able to make happiness from very little. You should never have to feel like you cannot change yourself or your life - if you feel unhealthy, overweight, ugly - you can change that, and you should change that and you should keep changing until you feel brilliant. Don't just accept and settle. Embrace and change.

2) Some people are just pricks. It doesn't matter if they stay that way or blossom into the nicest people you will ever know - it doesn't matter if you are nice to them, everyone learns life's lessons at different times at different stages to everyone else. You might have everything sussed out at 18 years old, or you might suss it all out at 50, or never. The only time you know you have it right is when you are happy - so happy, to a point that you want everyone else to feel that way too, and you can help them by being good to them. Not seeing it as "they're wrong unless they think like me" - but just doing something nice for the sake of doing something nice.

3) Finances are very stressful. Again, if you can appreciate and get joy from cheap, smaller things, this won't affect you as much. If you can stay in a small dingy house and think that it makes the sunlight coming in through the window even more beautiful because it makes the damp on the walls look like oil paints, then you'll have fewer struggles with money. If that's not for you, I suggest you aim to be motivated and ambitious ;) If you can be appreciative of the little things too, even better.

Money weighs me down. I've lost sleepless nights dreading being low in my bank fund, felt awful for spending so much, worried about how I will afford a house, a car, insurance, my children's futures. The thing I want to avoid most of all is stress and worry, so by having comfortable finances, this eliminates a lot of that.
However.
Having a lot of money doesn't stop you from feeling sad, and it won't stop you from falling out with your partner over falling asleep on the sofa. Money just gives you more options. Sometimes, it gives you really bad options. Just look at all the celebrities who have battled drug addictions and been dragged down by their own success.
If you aim to make a lot of money, aim to be successful with it and use it for good. Use it to take away your worries, to be able to feel safe and enjoy your life. Don't be too attached to it, after you're gone it ain't going with you. And don't stop appreciating the small things.

4) Always understand the other person. Put yourself in their position and understand why they do the things they did. Once you can understand people, your life will open up so much. When you let go of The Rules, and look at thing for their circumstances and for the intention with those circumstances, people seem a lot nicer, they seem a lot more human and a lot more worthy of being loved and liked.


My New Years Resolutions

Eat less junk (because I want to be the best person I can be)
Save more money (because I want to feel safe and secure in my financial future)
Earn more money/work harder (because I want to be safe and secure in my financial future)
Be nicer and more understanding (because I want to be the best person I can be)
Do not place too much importance on money (because I want to be the best person I can be)

I think my overall goal is to feel good in myself, to feel like I have done well and tried hard in all aspects of life - relationships, self esteem, business and encounters with people/strangers.

A Box Of Darkness

I took my vulnerability, placed it in a box
Gift wrapped, with a black ribbon
I pulled it from my chest, unlaced it from my lungs
Deep beneath my molars, down underneath
My fingernails
Scraped it from the freckles which lay, sleepily
Scattered down my neck
Those that you had kissed that night
Those that I had let you kiss
I pulled on that dark thread somewhere inside my mind,
Unravelled myself, just a little
Just enough
To hold it all together
Just enough
To let myself unravel
I held it out with hopeful eyes, dropped soft into your hands
You looked at it, at parts of me
And now I can't finish this poem

Reasons Not To Be A Prick

So, usually I write blog posts with slightly nicer undertones, but all of which hopefully have some kind of helpful message.

Today is going to be no different, but this time I am going to write something I don't really like writing.

When I was about 15, I learned a very important lesson. I was a total bitch. I was mean about people behind their backs, I was selfish and not particularly kind. I was friendly to people who were friendly to me, and not as easily swayed to break friendships with people out of loyalty as others, but still, I was not Nice. Certainly not good enough, and yet I still felt like I was a "good person". I still felt like it was unfair when bad things happened to me.

Then, when I was ostracised by a group of girls in the summer before my final year, I decided that enough was enough. I felt SO upset, SO alone and sad, that I decided things had to change. I decided that in my final year, no one was going to have any reason to be mean to me, because I was gonna become the nicest person ever. If I wasn't ever nasty about people (even if they were nasty towards me), then at least I knew in my heart that they must be wrong about me. I started to only think bad things, with the aim of one day not even thinking them. When I walked down the street, instead of thinking how horrible someone's outfit was, I tried to think about the things I liked about it - the colours, the way they had tried to pick out something to flatter them. I alienated myself from most of the groups - instead upholding friendly acquaintances and just trying to be nice in passing to people. I spent lunchtimes in the libraries and art room, looking up photography and starting out what would become my passion and my career.

After I left school and went onto 6th form, my attitude got better and better, life seemed nicer and nicer. I didn't really belong to a group of friends in particular in 6th form, but was nice enough to everyone and got on well enough with everyone, without having the loyalties of a particular group to maintain.

Life seemed magical. I was so happy. I felt so good, I felt like I had figured something out that was SO precious. I would never need other things to make me happy - just love for people as a whole and love for life. People were nice to me in return. Strangers would stop me in a crowd and ask me for directions, which made me feel approachable. I got genuine compliments about my personality, and for the first time I didn't feel smug and like it was owed to me and "someone had realised" - I felt like I had seen something lovely in someone else, and that made me happy. To this day, when someone compliments me on something, I always think "they may or may not be right, but they are definitely a lovely person" or something along those lines. 

What you say about others says more about you than it does about them.

So, that leads me to today. Reasons Not To Be A Prick.

See, writing this makes me a prick. Because calling someone a bitch only makes you a bitch. So whilst I am a bit hypocritical in writing this, I wanted to be able to maybe set off a few lightbulbs in those who maybe aren't as nice as they could be or want to be, or maybe just comfort others who have already realised this.

Here We Go.

1) Don't call other people prick's, because it makes you the prick. 

I like to think that because this isn't a direct insult to anyone in particular, that makes me slightly less of a prick.

2) People can automatically question how your parents raised you. Sure - it's your responsibility to how you turn out. But if you love your parents and you want to make them proud - don't be a prick. Imagine when you have kids - do you want them to be calling people names, bullying people, being nasty and unfair? No! So don't be like that yourself.

3) It will only make you unhappy in the long run. There's a quote somewhere which sums this up really well. Something along the lines of "we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves". The more good you see in people, the less you have to worry about yourself. What often picks me up after I've had a bad experience is knowing I didn't have bad intentions, and that I tried my hardest to get a good outcome. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, but if you apologise and mean it, there's not much else you can do.

4) There are no good outcomes. People like to think that if they call someone out for violating some moral code (Real Housewives is the perfect example of this), then someone will have an epiphany of their wrongdoings, come begging for their forgiveness and become a better person, almost as good as you. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Usually, this is what happens. You call someone out, they dislike you more, or they do something extreme and kill themselves etc, they go about with an even more disfigured trust in the human race and so do you. A la Real Housewives. All those women are SO wrapped up in being good people, and doing what is right according to themselves, that they forget that we all have different experiences and different opinions of what is right and wrong. You can't hold it against people - unless it's something universally wrong, like murder, theft, violence, racism etc. Most people start out with good intentions. If someone upsets you, all you can do is be nice about it - sit them down, explain you understand they probably had no idea on how it would make you feel and now they know for next time. They'll probably be grateful you were so nice, faith in humanity is restored and THEN they may become a better person for it!

5) You will never be able to lead a happy, fulfilled life. Extreme, I know. But think about it. If you live your life with a horrible realism that people are assholes, life is unfair and that you don't deserve any of this - then you will feel at times like your partner is one of those assholes. It holds you back from loving someone unconditionally - and I'm sure those of you who have been with partners for 30+ odd years can agree that sometimes it's unconditional love which bridges the gaps where sometimes other people can fall in. 

THE BEST BET you can EVER make is this:

If you live your life to the best of your ability - you give as much as you can, you are as nice, loving and kind as you can be. You always head out with good intentions, when people anger you - you forgive. You keep forgiving. You look on the bright side. You get up, and try again. If you can look back and think - well, I've done bloody well and really, really tried. Even though it was fucking hard. Then you can know that the bad shit isn't because you deserve it, and maybe the bad shit will teach you something and make you stronger and better. Not being a prick is the best thing you can do in life.

THE END

Things I Have Learned

Woah, jeez, I just logged on here and saw it's been 4 MONTHS since I updated on here.

This is pretty terrible!

I think lately it's been dawning on me that I have been pretty slack on certain areas of my life, and overdosing on other parts. I've learned to loooove running a photography business again - hosting the wedding workshops, introducing the editing dvd, doing 1-1 sessions with people and shooting musicians and weddings has been awesome this year! I really wanted to "knock every shoot out of the park" - at least, that was what I wrote down as my aim last year, when I was listing my life away :)

But on the other hand, where in some ways I feel successful - I've done well for my bank account this year, saved up and made money (which technically is great, and I should be proud) I have neglected other areas which kind of make the clog turn.

Like this blog.

I've been so consumed with emails about my business, I have neglected the lovely ones from people just stopping by to say "hi". I went through them the other day, replied to about 20 of these, and I got so many nice, understanding replies back from people saying "Aw, I'm just glad you replied!" that it made my heart a little sad. 

It's great to feel like you're being successful from a financial point of view, but what I have learned recently, is that if I neglect the non-finanicial aspects of running a business - being a friend to people, being helpful, being grateful and nice; then the fun work starts to slowly fade out, and you're left being offered to shoot still life photographs of books for a leaflet. Eep.

So, I have decided to become a rambler.

And I will try not to promote this blog in anyone's face, as I have also learned that treating people like spambots doesn't do you any favours, either! But I will quietly ramble to myself about general day to day musings - and put in some pictures too, for those who like ze visuals!

I will try not to promote any products or services I may provide, unless I have had an experience which I think makes for a good learning lesson that is useful to share. Because after all, who wants to hear about that stuff all the time? That's what twitter is for :) ;)

So this shall be my ramble blog, for my general day to day updates on what I've learned, what I'm learning. I've refrained from being so open in the past about my personal life, because I know that the people who are involved in my personal life don't necessarily want their lives blogged about, too.

That said, this is my life - and I am a sharer. So I will try and do it as fairly as possible :) 

I'm actually pretty excited about this. Wellies on, it's time for a ramble.

Lavender Wedding Workshop!

Lavender Wedding Workshop!

I had an amazing time on Wednesday down near London hosting my Lavender Wedding Workshop!

The wedding workshops are designed to give participating photographers, amateur or pro, a chance to broaden their portfolio into the wedding industry with a little edge, or just spruce up their portfolio with some stunning new shots!

As a wedding photographer myself, sometimes in real mile-a-minute weddings you just don't get the chance to sit and think properly about poses, locations, lighting and have the chance to properly create something that really stands out in your portfolio. When I do weddings, I plan a few "standout" portraits in advance, and the rest is left to my brain on the day! So these workshops have been great for me as well as everyone else who has come so far - not only do I get a chance to get some kickass wedding pictures, but I get to make a mental storage of poses, locations etc that work well for portraits!

Also, I don't know about you lucky Americans, but people in England generally don't have lovely outdoor wedding receptions - probably due to the fact that it absolutely pours it down 95% of the time!! For some odd reason every workshop I've planned so far has landed on a miraculously warm, sunny day, so it's been great getting pictures of a set-up table that people can also put in their portfolios.

Here are my pictures from the day! It was absolutely brilliant, every person who came was warm and friendly, we had so much good banter and Emma & James (our "bride" and "groom") were superstars - spending the whole day kissing and cuddling, you'd have thought they were made for the job ;)

 Make-up was done by Tabby Casto - who went through an epic journey to get to the workout and STILL brought so much energy and fun to the day!! Tabby is amazing!

 We hijacked some of the picnic benches, and set up this table! Some young schoolgirls found it while we were shooting in an opposite field and I think it made their day! They kept running up to us asking if they'd just got married! Aww!

Thankyou SO MUCH to everyone who came - I left that day exhausted but so HAPPY and feeling like I had made 20 new friends! Hopefully I will see everyone again for more madness or just drinks and cinema mmm! I will put all behind the scenes on the facebook page! :D

Yay! xx