Wednesday, 7 October 2015

The Fall

I've come to realize love, for me, was not a smooth, gentle fall
No fluffy clouds or ballet jumps, toes pointed, eyes ahead
I was never going to glide gracefully into his arms
But I was going to clatter down a staircase
With the chaos of a road rage Carnival
Shattering the parts of me I needed
Bruises on my head, my spine
would break, and snap
Just like my words.
and like my heart
This was going
to be serious,
and this was 
going to

Monday, 21 September 2015

Conversations from my past

"I could get lost in you." He said.
"Don't." She replied. "I'm a whirlpool."

Monday, 7 September 2015

7th September

Today, I feel great. My tornado mind has died down, and I've cleared the mess it left behind.
Watching yourself shatter and scatter is a strange thing to see - the quiet aftermath even more so. Sometimes I feel that no sentence could hold all the words that I have lodged in my throat, those heavy words that slid down from my mind so defiantly, enjoying watching me choke and stutter.
And sometimes, on days like these when the leaves dance on the trees, and the September air smells like a thousand hues of green, it pulls me to my living room window like a cartoon character being led by the nose to the waves of the pie cooling on the kitchen table. It tugs on my sleeve and whispers in my ear; "let me in". And I do. Every time, I do. Tonight, I opened up my window and inhaled those greens, I breathed in the scent of mountains and memories so deeply that I wondered if my lungs would sprout flowers. And there in that moment, I realized, that my weakness wasn't ever loving you. It was loving feeling alive.

Sunday, 6 September 2015

I built my Kingdom from the dust of a crumbled soul
poured and merged with salt water, some unpalatable strength
hardened those walls into cement
forty feet high.
I don't think you understand my happiness,
my safety net is old and frayed at the edges now
So please don't ask me to climb to the attic
in the home I built alone with bleeding hands
deep in my dusty Kingdom
and jump.

Empty Stomach

I'd felt this feeling before
this hunger
a deep rumbling for more
Like a grateful dog beneath the table
at the feet of your throne
I begged for the scraps of you to keep me satisfied
Please, please sir
Feed this beast inside of me
Keep her quiet
She's so hungry

Monday, 31 August 2015


“My emotional life: dialectic between craving for privacy and need to submerge myself in a passionate relationship to another.” - Susan Sontag


I always thought that becoming self sufficient was the greatest feat, the highest climb a person could make. What could be more challenging than building a life for yourself that excludes the validation of others? That extinguishes the cravings of having someone truly see you, understand you, and love you? I've grown content in joy and the daily humming of life, no other person to upset my balance, no other heart to nurture but my own. "I could do this for the rest of my life" I've thought, "I'm finally happy."

But as the days slip by and people drift in and out of the river that is You, I began to realize that maybe the greatest feat isn't being self sufficient at all, maybe the hardest thing to learn to do is to love someone else.

There are days and weeks when this is easy, when falling in love with a sparkling mind and strong hands feels like second nature, as though him and I were always just two branches growing from the same tree. I am happy - content to be parallel lines with him, as our eyes meet and blush on the opposite sides of the car.

Then there are the dangerous days, the days when I want myself.

I barricade the door, no reason or argument preludes this. I lock myself up and shut it all out. Like a switch, all that love just flips from "on" to "off". It thunders through my arteries and into my lungs, and I exhale every little bit of it out into the air - what took months to nurture and grow vanishes in seconds.  I hold myself, my life, my Kingdom tight to my chest like an upset child clings on to a blanket, fingers gripped so fiercely I could be set alight and not flinch. Like a dragon guarding her cave, glowing cinders spit from my mouth as I roar in anguish. Who DARES trespass inside ME?!

Of course, you will not see this. On these days, you might notice me go a little quiet. I might disappear for a walk, play different music. I take care of myself, and will return when I am better.

And so I sit here with stones in my chest and my head heavy in my hands. How are you supposed to love? Do I accept and embrace and forgive and treat this person like I treat all the empty others - those who I don't require their affection or validation? Or do I submerge myself so deeply in them that I lose all of my control, that they become as much a part of my being as my very own soul, that the thought of them leaving leaves me paralysed, holding on to a drowning man - installing my very own Self Destruct button straight into their hands? Neither feel right.

Learning how to love is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 
I have no idea how to do this.

Friday, 28 August 2015


As summer collapsed into autumn
I was reminded
That there is no life without death
No light without darkness there first, silently
tapping his long fingers
No love without loneliness
And the distinct and
sudden realisation
that absolutely nothing is mine
to keep