Saturday, 7 December 2019

Disenchanted

My lovely James used this word as we sat on the bed. I was gazing an unbroken gaze at the white light of the laptop screen, not scrolling, not reading. Just gazing to avoid locking eyes and admitting I didn't have the answers. James tried to find them for me, sweetheart that he is, even though we both knew there weren't any.

Disenchantment. I've definitely felt this creeping into my bones over the last few years.
Disenchantment in humanity - the people who laugh when you fall, who shamelessly climb over your feelings, use your ideas as ladders to further themselves, disrespect and disregard your efforts to be, well, better.
Disenchantment in a society which forces a human to work, to grind away their hours of sunlight in a computer screen of emails. Warm regards have never felt colder.
Disenchanted in the prospect of working my socks off for the next three years to save for a house, only for the savings I've accrued to buy me nothing particularly more than I can afford right now due to inflation.
Disenchanted that if I took out a regular-person £185,000/25 year mortgage now, I'd end up paying over £290,000 of that back - and I'd pay off the interest first, because y'know, life sucks.

I feel disenchanted, I feel cynical, I feel like carefully sweeping up my dreams of a happy family life in a cottage in the country into a dustpan, and emptying them out into the wind. I don't want to grind myself down for money forever. It seems so... unartistic.

Anyway, I'm working on it.
Work work work work work.

Saturday, 23 February 2019

A Simple Life

I look out onto the great lake
Peace washes me clean
For the first time, I exhale all my losses
My great heartbreaks
Hold them in my arms like a child
Cradle them
How full they are,
how full I am
How lucky I am to hold them
and never put them down.

Saturday, 1 September 2018

A Summer's Dream

I am wearing a white dress
and running through the garden

there are
no wedding bells, the silence is filled
with joy

you watch on
you know this is no more than a dream
dispersing and transient like all other dreams
you reach out to touch it anyway

I reach out to hold you back
golden light surrounds our bodies
simple, sweet

It is only a dream
of mine,
of yours
a summer in the garden
me, in a white dress
you, there
watching
like watching was all that was left
for us
to live for

(I bought the white dress,
but you were gone
before it arrived
I never went back to the garden
you were gone
before summer came
I still reach out sometimes
to touch you
anyway
it is only a dream
of mine
and I am still watching
like watching is all that is left
to live for)

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

grieving with those who have not grieved

This is not a performance
To be witnessed
I must go
To those who understand, the flowers 
Sit with me patiently, strewing 
Their scents and offering up
Their stained blush cheeks
For gentle stroking
I, too, need to be caressed 
Kept company
Not be questioned, I do not want to analyse 
or understand
My only wish to unpetal
And sit, empty
Alone with all the others.


Friday, 9 March 2018

White Cat, Green Eyes

The day you left, the world turned white
like you, like snow
it comes,
you go
and so do I.
Best friend.
My ankles are so cold.
I was told
that letting go
it was the kindest thing to do
but it didn't come close
to loving you
and your green eyes
and your furry thighs
and my heart sighs

I miss you.


Wednesday, 14 February 2018



A couple of years ago I was neck-deep in a really special time of my life, and I was incredibly aware of it... I would be brought to tears most days with how precious and fleeting this time in particular was, knowing soon it would be gone, along with someone I cared for very much.
I was living each day through some sort of nostalgic lens, as though I had been given an opportunity to go back in time to really notice everything and pay attention; knowing that one day I'd give everything to be able experience it all again.
One thing I always got totally swept away by was the sounds of sirens coming and fading outside my window. No matter what I was doing, I would stop, put down my things and totally lose myself in them.
For a long time since that time ended, I've heard sirens and felt nothing... A few minutes ago, some went past, and my heart just broke out into something, not sure what yet, but I was listening to this song while it happened, and just felt rather overcome and just wanted to tell about it. 🖐️
It reminded me of this life advice from Mary Oliver.
“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind, and much can never be redeemed. But still, life has some possibility left. Give into it. Joy is not made to be a crumb."

Friday, 26 January 2018

Magpie on a Blue Sky

I saw a magpie, stoic
on a bare branch against a blue canvas
watching the world move beneath him

he did not flinch
and nor did I
at the thought of loss he might
be hiding in his dark beak

one, for sorrow

I couldn't help but feel the breeze
and the gentle weightlessness of fear
lift

it does not hold me,
anymore



26.1.18