Thursday, 26 November 2015

Stem Cell

Age 23 I let myself feel true happiness
at 24 I could summon it in an instant
Age 25 I let myself feel true pain
at 26 I hope to be able to withstand it

Monday, 2 November 2015

Two Roads

She felt the road turning beneath her. It had been uneasy inside her for years, and finally she was at the split - eyes ahead, two feet on the ground. Two possible lives, hazy in the distance. She could either grip someone else hard for the rest of her days, someone who liked having her imprints embedded in their skin; or she could just let it all go. Some of the road alone, a few miles with him, a mile with someone else, maybe. Him and someone else.
I stood for a moment, quietly mourning the loss of one life.
And I let my fingers loosen.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Love: Redefined

Lately, I've been thinking about LOVE. Kind of.

To speak more broadly, I've been thinking about not being in love, about mistaking attachment for love, about validation through love, pretty much every scenario that avoids actually loving someone for the person that they ARE, and rather 'loving' them for what they can bring to you.

Why is this, Rosie? I hear your mind mumble. Thanks for asking. Well.

When it comes to life, I am running the show. You want to see someone with stars for eyes, and feet that can walk on air when I hit those highs? Come right over. Business? Sure - but I know the important difference between true success and society's definition. Technically I have both, though the latter is worthless. Amazing friends and people? They stream in and out of my days beautifully. My friends are like a fresh packet of rainbow crayons in my childlike palms - a beautiful balance of all the colour. Some are batshit crazy, some are unmovable in their logic, some are middle aged mothers and fathers who have lived the norm, some are ageing, smiling hippies who tell me stories of Red Indians in Vegas. Some take drugs to explore their fascination with their minds, some do not. Some bring out my inner dance queen, some I can sit and cry with, be heavy with.  Some work in my local McDonalds drive thru, some own mansions in London. But they are all good people, and I like to collect good people with their good intentions like a Goodness Connoisseur. There are no expectations, I don't require their "Happy Birthday"s or text replies or company... they just need to be out there. And, if they grow and change - then I want to know about it, so the Good people can teach me, and I can learn.

But, love. Fuck.

I'm gonna thank Society for this mess, this tornado. I, like most others, raised in a society which breeds low self esteem, low self worth and a presumed shared "goal" for our lives: Marriage, kids, mortgage. Nothing wrong in wanting those three things, but man oh man that combination has created chaos for me...

Between the ages of birth-23, I believed people would only love you if you were worth something. Any man could and would have sex with you, but falling in love with you would prove your worth. I looked for validation in many ways, never questioning why I needed it in the first place, why I thought I didn't have it in the first place. I looked for security in my anxious future, because that was the Ultimate Validation. I was never falling in LOVE with any of these men - I was attaching to their company, their validation of me, my false projections of who they could be, what we could be. I was looking for happiness in the future - when I held the Three Cards of Fulfilment. *vomit*

So, what changed?

Ironically, I fell in love. Actual love. It was totally unrequited, and that was okay. In fact, this was just wonderful. Because I learned that I didn't need to own this person romantically to enjoy their benefits. And I don't mean sexually, I mean mentally - he had a mind that was unfathomably deep, wild and free spirited. I would describe it as all the colours you could ever be mesmerized by, all concentrated in one place, in one body. Needless to say, I was totally and utterly captivated. I could have listened to him talk all day and all night. I just wanted to sit and listen to him. Dip my fingers in his soul and paint with all his colours. I learned, through falling in love with someone's soul, and being denied attachment, that this love was far more pure than everything else I had mistaken for love previously.

It was at this point that I began taking an interest in the world that lay at my feet, when I began to take pride in myself, my hobbies, I grew my own validation. I planted seeds of self worth through reading, learning, kindness and fleeting joy, and I lay back in pure wonder and ecstasy as I watched it grow. I became confident. I started writing, and I didn't share it - I didn't need the validation anymore.

However, the heart and the mind are separated by veins, bones and a whole lotta blood. And sometimes, even though you know this new mindset is "you" and who you are growing into, old habits die hard, man!

I've tripped up a little, I've attached to people with the hope they might inoculate me against this difficult tug of war within myself. I've attached to people to quieten this old ache inside of me, which emits a low, desperate hum of insecurity. That hum is getting ever quieter, and right now I'm in a wonderful state of transition (are we ever not?) in the process of truly becoming myself - fully self-validated, fully confident, fully whole.

Security is not something that can ever be promised.
People are never finished beings, they are like rivers. Do we look at rivers and proclaim "Hey! You're flowing wrong! What the hell!?" Nature grows how it grows. So do we.
People don't owe you ANYTHING. Even if they've promised it to you. You're naive if you expect them to keep it. And that's quite okay, too. You can be naive.
If you become aware of why you "love" (or attach) and why you "need" - you can understand and grow.

Growing is a process. First, learn. Then, understand. Once you understand, you can practice. Practice enough, you will believe. Then finally - you become. Just call me Yoda.

And so, I am so beautifully alive on this bright autumnal morning. I am listening to brass bands play my favourite musical scores. My cat is curled up by my feet as I lay down these thoughts, and I am peaceful, I am happy. I know I will be sad again, but for now, this happiness is mine to enjoy. I am in love with life - all the light and all the dark that comes with it. I just want to sit and listen to it, all day and all night.
I just want to dip my fingers into it, and paint with all its colours.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

The Lightness

I should also mention
that although there is this Darkness
It could not exist without the Light
which tingles warmly in my fingertips
and spills out from the corners of my mouth
honey on my tongue, Honey
It's brass bands in an autumn chill
rock music playing in a hospital ward
It's the feeling the symphony was composed to describe,
that crescendo
that ultimate note
and the peace that follows as my hot human blood
simply turns to running water

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

The Darkness

On the clear days, it's so small - that sometimes I'm not sure it exists at all. It's hunched, like a field mouse, manageable and harmless in a corner of my mind. Its tiny claws are rolled up tight, no need to worry today. The light is beaming fiercely. I am happy, I am me. This is good, so good...

I don't know what stirs it. Some restless part of me that takes a long bony finger and jabs at it.

Once. The field mouse looks up with wicked eyes, two shots of blackness on a dark and cloudy page.

Twice. It agitates and shrieks, snapping it's jaws, dripping darkness.

Thrice, and it swallows me whole. The darkness unfolds, spilling black ink all over. My thoughts dart and stumble, looking for dry ground, an exit is unfathomable now. The ink begins to fill my mind, as I realize once more I must brace for the flood, hold my breath, and hope it passes quickly.

I'd like to tell you that I was out, under, gone. That I didn't remember what came next. But the reality of the darkness is that somehow time slows, frantically examining my mind for the answer. Why is it in me? Why won't it leave? It isn't a sadness, or a depression. It has no shape. Just a manic pacing, a mind that refuses to be still. The person I am becomes a prisoner to my thoughts, I don't identify myself within it.

I tried to distract my creature with TV, news and people. I offer it coffee. Take it for a walk. Try to stamp it out quietly. I've shown it to some in hopes they might cure it, most of them run. Writing helps. I begin not to care about rhyme. I cough the ink up onto the page. "Better out than in!" My mother says.

Sometimes hours, sometimes days. It leaves eventually, I'm shaken and vulnerable - but I remind myself that your embrace is not the answer. Its grip on my mind loosens, the darkness drains back somewhere deep inside my self.

Perhaps it will shrink to nothing one day. The smallest Russian Doll in the stack of "me".
I read back my writing, I don't recognise it.
I check the weather forecast, clear all week.

Monday, 26 October 2015

The Dancer

Frustrated, the man looked down at his feet
Stubborn and still to the drum of the beat
Heavy and grey, they stood glued to the floor
Anchored with veins to a heart that cried "more"
Each day it would wail with gusto, emotion
To swallow the rhythm, like a boat needs the ocean
He felt it within him, his fingers lay twitching
in a hospital bed, his whole body was itching
His language was fluent, a waltz if you will
In fact, looking back, it was never stood still
The life in his eyes, now that was a thing
to be seen, as they spun into Swing
My heart felt so warm as we tangled our bodies
into tango, now slowdance, our new favourite hobbies
Until winter rolled in like a blue-lit ballet
His feet remained chained, he looked down in dismay

"Oh why can't I dance?" He smiled, hopelessly.
"Must be your shoes," I laughed back
"'cause you've been dancing with me."

Monday, 19 October 2015

The Summit

Understanding my darkness was reaching the summit of a great, stormy climb. Weak and cold, I approached clarity. The clouds began to part, the skies began to clear. My eyes were flooded with sunshine, my feet were greeted with flat earth. I dropped to my knees with tears rolling down my cheeks. I asked "What now? Is this happiness?"
And a kind voice inside me replied "For now."