I've come to realize love, for me, was not a smooth, gentle fall
No fluffy clouds or ballet jumps, toes pointed, eyes ahead
I was never going to glide gracefully into his arms
But I was going to clatter down a staircase
With the chaos of a road rage Carnival
Shattering the parts of me I needed
Bruises on my head, my spine
would break, and snap
Just like my words.
and like my heart
This was going
to be serious,
and this was
going to
hurt.
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ReplyDeleteRosie,
ReplyDeleteYou're just like me. You place the greatest importance in life on finding your other half, someone to fill the empty space. I often think about whether my priorities are misplaced; surely I would be happier if I stopped pouring my heart into other people, only to be left with more empty space than I had started with. I then spend weeks, or even months trying to heal the wound.
Are our priorities misplaced? Some people try to fill their empty space with money, others with change, and some people just enjoy the sound of wind whistling through the emptiness. Maybe it was they way we were born, maybe it was the way we were raised, but the only time I've ever neared a wholesome state of being was with another person. I've tried chasing money, and I've accomplished great things, but what I've found is that there is no end with money or progress. There's only more.
You are not insane for experiencing heartbreak time and again. You're pursuing fulfillment through one of the only two ways to feel truly fulfilled. Find love, or let go, and let the wind whistle through you, accepting that your love of life is all the love you will ever need.
Each time you deal with a heartbreak, you feel like a little more was taken out of you, and you have a little less to give to the next person. I've often wondered why that is. Is it that you have less trust that they will be the one, after so many failures? Also perhaps, that you've wasted a little more of your precious youth on a venture that did not go as planned? Even more, that you feel less inclined to deal with those who mimic the same faults of your previous heartbreak?
What I've realized, is that as we grow older, our relationships improve. With each heartbreak, you didn't just leave behind pieces of yourself. You'd unknowingly picked up new ones along the way. You now understand what failed, and that is the single greatest piece that helps heal the wound. Your relationships improve over the years because you've picked up so many pieces of wisdom. You know what works, and what doesn't work. You know you won't settle, and your true other half will appreciate that about you someday. If anything, you should have more trust that the next one you spill your heart to is the one.
You feel like you're losing more with each relationship, and that's because you're getting closer and closer to the one.
I am lonely too, but I've finally accepted that it's not insane to chase fulfillment of your emptiness with love. The times we are lonely are the times when it's most important to love yourself, else we become cold, bitter souls who might pass our other halves by in a blizzard of fear and distrust. Use the time you've been given to become a better person, so that someday your other half, with all of themselves given to you, will further appreciate your strength as a human being.
You will find them. If you truly fear being alone, you have not given up hope. As long as there is hope, you will find them. If there is no hope, you have found solitude, and the wind will whistle through the emptiness, but there will be no fear.
You are just like me. I stumbled upon your photography years ago and instantly associated with your love of love and the beauty of life. I still check in once in a while, and I'm reminded that there are others, like you, who place a great deal of value on love, and that is most comforting. Know that you are not alone.
Your poetry is so beautiful and poignant, Rosie! Heartbreaking too. You're so good at painting visceral pictures of emotions in your poetry.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that your poems have moved me to tears, and I don't cry often! Your poems are indescribable and your pain is palpable. I hope you are ok.
ReplyDelete