Hey, I'm Rosie. I'm a photographer.
Right now, it feels like there's not all much else to me.
My back hurts abit and I'm on a whole ton load of medication, but that's about it right now.
here comes that feeling you thought you'd forgotten - Burn Out.
These days I'm starting to wonder if there's anything to me other than photography. I mean is there? I see everything around me as a freakin' photo possibility - every time I walk down the street, everything I see, I think
"Possible photo location? possible prop? What could I do there? How could I make that perfect? How would a better photographer interpret that? What would that look like on film? Why doesn't real life look like I want it to? Why can't I photograph what I see in my head? "
It's consuming my life. Sometimes I feel crazy. Infact, the times I feel crazy are the only times I'm not doing bizarre things. The bizarre things that keep me sane are the only things I feel like I can keep to myself and not share with ANYONE so that I have something genuine that I'm not doing to exploit for an idea that doesn't even ever get born because my eyes are failing my hands.
I think what I'm trying to say is, I feel like I've lost myself. Rosie the Person has been engulfed by Rosie Hardy: Photographer. And I'm starting to miss myself, which is just ridiculous.
I have too much work to do to take a break, too many people relying on me to stop and find myself. But the worst thing is - Rosie Hardy: Photographer is my entire bank of creative input, everything I've seen that's influenced my eyes so far. And it feels like in order for me to feel like myself again, I need to start taking those photos which take a little piece of my mind with them out into the world. And I don't know how to do that without my little bank of creativity.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this, but I have this crazy feeling like I'm being tipped 40 degrees or so while I type, do you ever get that feeling? It's pretty cool.
Ugh, so this is Rosie Hardy: Photographer, feeling sick of herself and feeling down.
brb,
Rosie.
Right now, it feels like there's not all much else to me.
My back hurts abit and I'm on a whole ton load of medication, but that's about it right now.
here comes that feeling you thought you'd forgotten - Burn Out.
These days I'm starting to wonder if there's anything to me other than photography. I mean is there? I see everything around me as a freakin' photo possibility - every time I walk down the street, everything I see, I think
"Possible photo location? possible prop? What could I do there? How could I make that perfect? How would a better photographer interpret that? What would that look like on film? Why doesn't real life look like I want it to? Why can't I photograph what I see in my head? "
It's consuming my life. Sometimes I feel crazy. Infact, the times I feel crazy are the only times I'm not doing bizarre things. The bizarre things that keep me sane are the only things I feel like I can keep to myself and not share with ANYONE so that I have something genuine that I'm not doing to exploit for an idea that doesn't even ever get born because my eyes are failing my hands.
I think what I'm trying to say is, I feel like I've lost myself. Rosie the Person has been engulfed by Rosie Hardy: Photographer. And I'm starting to miss myself, which is just ridiculous.
I have too much work to do to take a break, too many people relying on me to stop and find myself. But the worst thing is - Rosie Hardy: Photographer is my entire bank of creative input, everything I've seen that's influenced my eyes so far. And it feels like in order for me to feel like myself again, I need to start taking those photos which take a little piece of my mind with them out into the world. And I don't know how to do that without my little bank of creativity.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this, but I have this crazy feeling like I'm being tipped 40 degrees or so while I type, do you ever get that feeling? It's pretty cool.
Ugh, so this is Rosie Hardy: Photographer, feeling sick of herself and feeling down.
brb,
Rosie.
Honey! Ofcource there is more to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are the sweetest most loving person i have ever met(wel on the net :P)
Just take some rest and push yourself so hard!
you probably need to relax and take some chill time! Trust me i understand how hard that can be. I'm busy with Uni, running my apartment, keeping my boyfriend happy, and taking photos... its crazy. But I've found that meditation actually really works. I bought a DVD off Amazon, by Shiva Rea, and she does a bit of meditiation and yoga, and its so relaxing and helpful. Maybe give that a go?
ReplyDeleteIf not, remember how many loyal fans you have (me included!) and if you need to take a break to go back to figuring yourself, everyone will understand :) We all need some "me" time :)
You're inspiration Rosie! Sometimes heroes need a holiday too :)
You are rosie hardy, photographer, human and woman, it is all you, so may be it is just a curve in your life to tilt a bit the perspective.
ReplyDeleteu shuld find some time in the very near future if u can to take a wee holiday. even just 4-5 days away from surroundings u know well and have some 'me' time. Like book a few days in a new city with a friend and chill out!! have a spa day and eat cake, thats a great way to free yourself!!
ReplyDeleteLaura x
All I could think when I was reading this was that I'm in that stage where almost nothing inspires me anymore. That stage where I don't see everything as a photo possibility anymore. My creative mind used to be so open and sensitive to things around me that it was so easy to become inspired and motivated to take pictures. I don't know what's worse, feeling like you've lost yourself because everything you seem to do and think is related to photography and being a photographer or if feeling like you've lost yourself because you no longer think in terms of photography which for so long was all you knew or wanted or even cared about. I don't know maybe neither is good. Maybe where I'm at is exactly why you should make sure to take some time to yourself so you never get to that point when you wonder if photography is really what you should be doing. Maybe find another creative outlet like painting or anything really. Even if you don't know how to do it, just do it. The spot I'm in now isn't as bad as it was like 2 years ago. Unfortunately I got burned out in my last 6 months of school and my final portfolio suffered a little bit because of it :( But now I just try to be creative in one way or another and I know I still love photography but I've learned it's not all there is to me. I feel like there's a million more things I can say but you should just know that it's ok to take a break if you need to. And take comfort in knowing that there are so many people in this world who don't even know you that are cheering you on no matter what because in one way or another you've inspired them, me included. :)
ReplyDeleteits odd to read something that sums up how you are feeling yourself... i cant go anywhere without stopping the car on a road looking at a tree or thinking of what i can do in a certain spot, person or thing... and its when im scraping road kill off the road for a photograph when i feel most normal yet other would think other wise...
ReplyDeletei wish i could talk to you about this obsession we share but we both seem busy on our own terms...
i hope even if u cant make "rosie" time that you feel a sense of comfort in knowing someone feels the same way and has similar yet different struggles as you.
good luck and stay positive. things will happen in time and time is all we have.
-julz
I know this probably isn't especially helpful, but I think you need to not push yourself quite so hard when it comes to your photography and the weddings you do. I know how it feels when you feel like you're being engulfed by something that you do, when you do it all of the time. Methinks you need to take some time to do other things and not focus so much on the one thing. I myself am apparently a very intense person and I tend to get lost in something when it begins taking up my life. Obviously I don't know the real you but I do know that you are an incredible artistic photographer and wedding photographer, as well as a wonderfully nice and passionate person. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I wondered if you ever got tired of it, Rosie. Because you're right - it does seem like photography is your whole life, and even when you're not working or editing or doing weddings, there's the pressure to do Flickr self-portraits and so on. So I did wonder.
ReplyDeleteI promise you though, Rosie, the pressure is never as real as the pressure you put on yourself. You really do have to look after yourself, and put yourself first - I know you worry about letting people down, but people can always find another photographer, or wait longer to get their edited pictures back. It doesn't feel like it, but they really can wait. You need to set yourself weekends aside, or something - make separate plans, meet different friends, you know? Not just meeting new people for tutorials or shoots or something. Just time, and a pot of a tea, and maybe a really stupid film, or a mindless afternoon.
You are an amazing photographer, Rosie, but you're not just a photographer. Honestly (and not to belittle you AT ALL), there are tons of incredibly talented photographers on the internet, or in any given town. But you have this recognition and fanbase, not just because of the pictures you create, but also because you're a lovely person and a personality that people really admire and look up to. Because of YOU, not only because of what you do.
I don't know if any of this made any sense or whatever, but I just wanted to let you know what I think. And I hope you're okay, doll. It's a cliche, but have an early night and let your mind rest, and you'll feel a ton better in the morning.
Lots of love, xxx
I agree with Indigo... I think you have to build in breaks to your life or you'll just go crazy. Remember what Jasmine Star said in her course... be selective. You can't do everything, so pick a moderate number of things that you can do well and just learn to let the rest go; I think it's part of learning how to be a commercial photographer. Good luck, you can do it!
ReplyDeleteso i dont know your religious beliefs but i go through times where i just feel so lost, and the things that help me is 1. God 2. fAmily 3. super close friends 4. or people im not that close
ReplyDeleteits weird. but some people dont believe in God and if you dont then dont take offense but he is what centers me. when i feel incomplete or lost i tell him and wait. sometimes a long time sometimes almost no time at all. think positive and listen. talk to close friends, and dont listen to the DARK voice. im not sure if im making sense but i think that when i need guidance that is who i turn to.
a good way to keep your creative outlet and still try to find yourself is maybe to start some kind of photo log or photo essay, and only shoot pictures of things that help you find out what you want. or maybe that'll have to be a personal project. lol idk just know that what you do is important and exciting to others. you touch others and i dont think you should let go of that but your right you cant allow something to consume you. i hope this helped if not sorry:) good luck in finding yourself.
p.s. you are not the only one looking. we are all always looking for "yourselves"
Hey hey,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you're feeling down and burnt out. Trust me.. I KNOW that feeling as I'm sure most others do too!
So it seems to me that you need a holiday!! Even if it's a weekend thing. Get out, put the camera down, meet your friends and have a fun, silly, happy time.
And maybe for a long term thing, treat your photography as you would a job. So give it Monday- Friday 9am - 5/6pm and after that evenings and weekends are yours to play, watch movies, take walks and do other stuff with. It's important to have that line I think, cos no matter how much you love something too much of it can make you a little ill.
Haha it seems that you need a creative outlet from your creative outlet ;)
Anyway hope all's well and feel better soon sweet,
B xxx
Hey Lovely.
ReplyDeleteYou really need to know one thing- when life is seemingly so difficult and things are so crazy and not a break is in sight- that peoples advice is nice to hear. You may use some of it, u may toss some aside-hey maybe even this one- but you learn on your own. You will figure it out :) im sure of that Rosie. I not only think of you as photographer but as someone to look up to, to relate to, to feel happy or sad for. Life sometimes doesnt let us find ourselves until we are not looking. Trust me, I've been looking for YEARS and I'm only 27. The thing is, YOU will be YOUR best friend for the rest of YOUR life, make YOU happy :) You will never just get up and walk away from you. :) Do whatever it takes to LIVE life being YOU, even if you don't know WHO that YOU is :) (i hope i made sense there- it made sense in my head...lol)... I hope all this advice that people are sending your ways helps in some way or another :) Cheer up lil camper ... and i know from personal expierence that it's easier said (typed) than done.
It's not ridiculous, but...You have only 20 years, and probably your biggest dream is already coming true...I think it's a nice 'weight', a big responsibility for a girl of your age. Try to distract, to do something new and not related to photography. Try out a moment from that world, not because it isn't beautiful or what you've always wanted, but you need to find yourself: a 20 year old girl who still has many things to do and experience.
ReplyDeleteI understand, Rosie. I completely understand. You work so hard and put everything in you towards this goal, to create the images that engulf your mind and pretty soon you're drowning so far in it you lose sight of the person who once dreamed of spending all their time immersed in the photographic. There's such a fine line between creator and workaholic, I know I'm having a hell of a time finding it. Bits of yourself get trimmed away, left behind, pushed aside. But you wouldn't have it any other way. You have to give everything in this industry/career/passion/obsession, you're unsatisfied when you push yourself any less than 100%. It hurts if you don't. But it hurts if you do. You feel like you're missing out on some great opportunity. But you miss the carefree romantic idealist you used to be before you were drowning in work work work. But you cannot stop becuase you have tasted what you longed for, and you only want to push further. Mixing work and pleasure is dangerous, but its the blessed curse of the creative professional. You're not alone in feeling like this, Rosie. And thank you for posting this, because now I know I'm not either.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Rosie, you're doing great work, be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe knife's edge pierces Autumn
ReplyDeleteAnd stabs the wind we fear
But we must find ourselves
Before we disappear
By knowing when to move on
We keep the peace with our pride
We seldom live our moments
Before the leaves have dried
But it's a peaceful feeling when
We surrender
And there is healing power in
Letting go
Terence Trent D'Arby - Letting Go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTaOBtNq2P0
One of my favourite songs...
Just wanted to tell you in a different way what all the people above has already tell you: take some time for you. You should put yourself first, take care of you...
Wish you all the BEST :-)
Rosie, you only need a holidays! and that's all. Free your mind. I think you should ask you a question: Is living to work, or work for a living?
ReplyDeleteDon't let the photographer Rosie dominate your mind.
Kisses from another photographer from Spain :)
Rosie, don't give up.
ReplyDeleteYou're such a creative person and creative persons are much more sensitive.
This is just a down, but after every 'down' there will be an 'up'.
Give yourself some time to get in touch with yourself again. Give yourself some time to be yourself, to do nothing, think, chill..
You really are a wonderfull talented person, and your pictures AND personality are a big inspiration to other people.
Kisses,Jana.
Rosie, open your window and search for the world behind your eyes.
ReplyDeleteTake a trip, take a time. There are millions things out there wating on you.
Strenght and peace are my wishes from Brasil.
I completely get the whole Rosie-photographer vs. Rosie thing, but I have to say this; I don't think a single one of your fans or followers sees you as JUST a photographer. At the very least, I know I don't, so that's something. I know it must be easy to get caught up in that, even for your own self, but Rosie, you absolutely do not have to let that define you. I have always loved the fact that you don't just post your photographs and technical aspects and leave it at that - SO many photographers define their work by the setup of the image, the tools, etc. and don't tell the story that goes with it, and I couldn't hate that more!! By showing us who you are with each picture you put up, you have given me - as someone studying art and photography, and aspiring to do what you are doing - so much more than just pictures to look at.
ReplyDeleteThe advice you post that was triggered by people talking to you about something that happened or whatever, something aimed as a general comment towards the entire internet, I take closer to heart than any advice actual people in my life have given me. If you were JUST Rosie Hardy: Photographer, do you think me - or anyone else - would care that much?
That, among other things, separates the two Rosies for me - even though I've never met either of them. Yes, in a lot of ways, we are defined by the work we do, and unfortunately we don't have much of a choice in how other people will see us, because that's just human behavior/assumptions in this day and age. That doesn't mean that you have to prescribe to that, even if other people do, and I know that if anyone can live out 'don't worry about what others think of you,' that you can. I'm pretty sure you already do for the most part. Besides, like I said, I don't think anyone else sees you as just a photographer. Despite my inexperience, I've found myself, a couple of times, grounded more in my viewfinder than in the here and now, and it's not a good feeling... its extremely disorienting. But it's possible to get in a horrible fight with a person you love more than anything... there's two sides to everything, even something perfect can feel like too much sometimes. Who knows why.
To simplify all of that a lot - don't worry about it, okay? It happens. Every one of your fans knows this stuff, every one of us knows that it's gonna be okay and that you are going to do what you need to do and that everything passes, so take that to ehart. You know that on your good days, and you've told us that a thousand times - it'll come back to you soon. Being sad sometimes is part of who we all are. If a fuck up like me can pull myself out of a rut, it's gotta be a piece of cake for someone as insightful as you.
Also, the only time I've ever felt like I was being tipped 40 degrees is when I have vertigo, which happens when I get sick sometimes and isn't cool at all, but I can see why you'd be amused by it if it was something else :P you're a silly goose.
I really do hope you feel better! Take a break from yourself after you finish editing this couples wedding pics...You deserve to be happy and healthy.
ReplyDelete~Nina
i just wanted to say something. that i am in the situation you wish to be in - taking some time to yourself, but i didn't come here the way you are. it just happened. little by little, it faded away. i also felt everything i saw was maybe a photo-opportunity, looking at every sunset with the thought "maybe a person over there and then 1.8 and 1/640..." -but then it stopped. it also worried me that maybe i wasn't completely living in the moment when all i was thinking about was photography and therefore i had to carry my camera everywhere i went so i wouldnt miss a frame.
ReplyDeletenow, i havent photographed for a year. i never carry my camera with me unless i know for sure im going to photograph. my bag is lighter and mind - a bit empty. im a bit worried that what if i have lost all my creativity because i havent used for such a long while. but i'd like to think it is still there and ready to come out when it feels like it. instead of photographing, i've found drawing; i've never considered myself as someone who knew how to draw, and now here i am, drawing every now and then and getting awesome compliments. it feels good that i know how to do something else than photography, but i still miss the feeling of seeing the world through my camera -even if it meant that i would miss every gig since i always photographed - not focusing at all if they were playing my favorite song.
i should be deciding whether to try to get to a school where i could study photography but im afraid that i dont want it anymore! it feels like i have to want it since i've got such a good start.
but then i decided that there is also something else i want to do; write screenplays. and since it is hard to get screenplays to anyone - i could develope myself in the photographing field and get contacts from there, maybe get to photograph someone who could read my possible screenplay.
what im trying to say is that you could do everything, or just something or nothing. it doesnt have to be all about photography but you can start doing new things, make room for them. it's not like because you started with photography that you absolutely have to do it until the end. but i understand how you feel-letting go, even just a bit can be really hard.
i really hope that i'd someday find my way back to the love of photographing, and that you would find yourself out of it to see everything from a wider perspective. zoom back, sit back and take it easy. a time off will give you the energy to carry on in the future, if you then still feel like it. im sure everyone will understand if you turn down a gig or two explaining the situation.
you're in my prayers,
Anna
ps.
ReplyDeletelisten to this song
http://open.spotify.com/track/5alwwsAx9XzCiT7ldUG5yM
I didn't know other people got that tipping 40 degrees feeling! I mentioned it to someone once and they gave me a really weird look so I shut up. Feels like you're going to fall off the earth. Although, That might be nice.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon. Finish the work that you're in the middle of then take a break girl!
Take care x
Sounds like it's time for your medication my dear
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you can found yourself again soon enough. success don't come easy :)
ReplyDeletei just discovered your blog and I like it so much, you are an amazing photographer <333
ReplyDeleteOMG...you are amazing. And real. I get this...so much!
ReplyDeleteHi Rosie,
ReplyDeleteI too have recently discovered you. I suppose I discovered you the photographer first as I am just overwhelmed with emotion looking at your work. That being said, reading your comments, and looking at you in your work, clearly you are this wonderfully gifted creative person. More than just a photographer. You are an artist that uses the camera and computer as your canvas in which you express yourself and your emotions, at the time perhaps.
The fact you are so young and have all this creative energy bursting at the seems is truly a gift you are so blessed to have. I have a small piece of that ( so I think ) but it's in my head. I know exactly what you mean when you say "Why can't I photograph what I see in my head? ". I have all this emotion and passion in my head. I see it, I feel it and it so frustrates me because I can't get it out in any medium. That feeling can become overwhelming.
My advice to you would be to embrace your gift. Come to terms with what you have. Yes people will ask a lot of you and your time. Give what you can and always put forth your utmost when giving. BUT!!! You must take time for yourself and give to your self in order to recharge the batteries so to speak. If you can do that, perhaps you will not feel so burnt out.
Anyhow, I am so thrilled I found you and I love your work. Thank you so much for sharing all that you do with us. I hope you find some inner peace.
Hello Rosie,
ReplyDeleteReally awesome post .