Saturday, 8 November 2014

In the meantime

Something switched in my brain this year, that has always been present, but dulled and somewhat faded the last few years of my life.
I've always considered myself a life lover, a feeling feeler and a world taker-inner. Nothing new there. It seems that my days alive right now are a continuous examination of my soul and what makes it tingle. It's as though my brain is a mass of mixed-up wires all tangled and messy, and as soon as the clock strikes 1am, I enter a mental quest to untangle myself, lay each strand down and study it, re-lay it, twist it around a bit, cut it to pieces and stick it back together or just shut it in a drawer and forget about it.

Music seems to make sense, it seems to capture feelings so very well and I love music for that. I read last night that other people can never fulfil your needs, only distract you from the intensity of said needs. That resonates. In my earlier twenties, I didn't really know what my needs were, let alone how to achieve them. So I've written myself a nice little list, in the meantime.

My needs:

1) To be kind, happy and peaceful.

Can't have any of the above without the other. I'm very pleased to have ticked this one off many years ago... at about 17yrs old I found being kind was the answer to most of life's immediate problems. Walk down the street and think positively of other people, and hey presto, meet Self Esteem. Not being negative about other people or circumstances welcomes an absence of bitterness and an overall sense of guilt-free living. So very, very important.

My needs require that I never forget the importance of being kind, and surround myself with people who are also kind. Win win win.

2) To Adventure.

Adventuring on your own is awesome, in the meantime. I highly recommend anyone who wants to, to leave their bed at 2am in the tumbling rain and simply run through empty streets and spin around a bit, in the comfort of being totally alone and totally free to do whatever you like. Feel like a kid again. Drink in the smell of the air and let yourself be brought to tears with happy memories.
This constant tugging at the corner of my mind's t-shirt from my little friend Adventure is both a huge blessing and a tiny curse. I struggle so much with this in relationships, because I'm forever unsatisfied and unfulfilled with anyone who doesn't possess the same magic beans. My needs require my mind to be forever captivated for as long as my lungs wish to exhale the air that I shall run in at 2am.

3) To be happy with an inexpensive life.

This is a relatively new addition to my list. As much as my pinterest boards burst with swanky apartments with huge windows and beds made out of wooden pallets, reality is very different. The worst times in my life are when I cannot sleep for worrying about money. My hair doesn't react well, either, and has been known to fuck off and leave me when times get rough. My needs require that I live a comfortable life in a place I feel cosy, homely and inspired, but also one which is not expensive. The ideal scenario is that England endures an unexpected, yet pleasant shift in climate change, which leads me to build a fantastic house-on-stilts atop a beautiful hill with breathtaking views and cheap floor-to-ceiling windows which can be slid open all day, everyday, with a lovely little lake to swim in each morning. Mortgage free and starry skies every evening. However. In the meantime, I shall make the most of my little lovely countryside apartment, keep it clean and cosy and put up more fairy lights!

4) To be loved in return.

I was having a big old sad think about this the other day - I think I've always been the one who loved more in my previous relationships. I've come to learn that we all express love in different ways though, so next time round I'm going to choose someone who I understand and who understands me, and who is as happy to communicate what they need from me as they are to give to me. In terms of what I need from love though... that's a whole new story that I'm still working on. But the list begins with kindness, magic and adventure. The rest is negotiable! In the meantime, though, fun and romance is always a winner. I've learned to cut my expectations right down and appreciate people for exactly what they are.

5) To learn.

So lately, I've been filling my 3ams with endless wiki-ing and reading and documentary watching, and I cannot believe I haven't done this sooner. The last week, I've thoroughly researched lives of Sylvia Plath (obsessed), Ted Hughes, Oscar Wilde, Ernest Hemingway, Steven Hawking, The Bronte Sisters, Steve Jobs, Shakespeare, and Anais Nin. I've watched documentaries on the universe, started reading my old Philosophy books, and generally begun my slow metamorphosis into a sponge. The more I can learn about this world while I have the time to do so, the better. So much out there. What's the point in being alive if you aren't going to learn as much as possible? My needs require that I always make time for learning, and spend time with people who can teach me new things always. Everyone knows something you don't... and in the meantime, I'm on a mission to find it all out.

In the meantime, I plan on being the nicest, coolest, happiest and best person I can be. I'm gonna leave this world with stars in my eyes and grass stains all over my clothes. Yep, yep. That'll do it.


  1. You and I both rosie, its been a 3 year long journey for me.
    I often find myself longing to be 17 again, wanting to experience and feeling the feels and life lessons for the first time.
    If you have the chance, check out the documentary ..Jiro dreams of sushi (its on netflix)
    I don't even like sushi and its one of my favorite docs."
    I wanted to share some words of wisdom I have saved over the years that you might like.
    "In your twenties you learn that you never really become an adult, just that people start expecting you to act like one. So you start pretending to be grown up, even though you still feel like a scared little child.

    And if you’re smart, no matter how good you get at playing the adult, you won't forget that underneath it all, at any age, you are always a scared little child, with no real idea of what you are doing. That way, you will forgive yourself easier when you screw up, become afraid, act weak, and hide from truth. For these things will also always be with you.

    And that self-knowledge will remind you that everybody else are scared little children too, and that will make it easier to forgive them when they screw up. And you will not believe other people who want to pretend that they have it all and know it all, and you will not be surprised when they too fall on their ass."

    keep on keeping on rosie :)


  2. You have a beautiful, beautiful soul and heart, and that radiates out from even from your words and photos.

    Thank you for making the internet and the world a better place <3

  3. This was beautiful to read. Thank you for being, and sharing your love! I can relate to so much of what you said and I've also been on a "sponge" quest of thoughts and education. I found life to be more interesting when you discover and learn about yourself and the world around you.

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  5. "What's the point in being alive if you aren't going to learn as much as possible?"
    Yes. That is exactly the philosophy I live by.

    Anyway, you don't know me, but I'm a 14 year old girl that has been following you and your work (wow that sounded a lot less stalker-ish in my head, but it shall stay for the sake of honesty) for years now, and I rarely ever speak out, but I must say that you are such an inspiration and so was this article. I relate a lot to most of these needs and I feel so inspired at the moment that I've now begun compiling a list of needs of my own. I think you are not just an excellent photographer, but a wonderful person as well, and if you ever get down just remember that there are tons of people who think the same, regardless of whether you know who they are or not.

    I only have one request, if I should be so bold as to ask it of you, and that is to please recommend any documentaries or books or articles that you really like. I'm always looking to learn and I'd love to have input from you.

    I just thought you deserved to hear this and hopefully it makes your day because you make mine so often.

  6. In your journey of researching people that really inspire you have a look at Susan Sontag. Just do a search for her on (you will love this site I promise you, if you don't already know it) And read her book On Photography.

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